


Independence

by HaileMarie



Series: SteveBucky Oneshots [2]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst, Birthday, Depressed Steve, Fourth of July, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-04
Updated: 2016-07-04
Packaged: 2018-07-21 13:46:35
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,335
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7389415
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HaileMarie/pseuds/HaileMarie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“You know you don’t always have to be alone, right?” </p>
<p>“Yeah, I know Sam. Thank you for today. I wasn’t alone.” He lies. He’s getting good at it. It looks like he even convinced Sam. He just has to convince himself.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Independence

Since day one out of the ice, the days seem to be a mash of one big event. Especially after New York. It’s not day one, day two; rather it’s mission one, mission two, and so on. So it’s only natural for Steve to forget about his own birthday.

“How could you forget your own birthday?” asks Sam, crossing his arms over his chest. 

Steve shrugs, “When you get to be my age, the number doesn’t matter.” Sam snorts, punching Steve in the shoulder. 

“That’s a terrible joke, man. Seriously though, Steve.” Sam looks to him with concern. He’s only been friends with Steve for a few months now, but it doesn’t take long to see that Steve’s suffering. 

“I’m just caught up with work,” lies Steve. Like Natasha said once, he’s a terrible liar. Sam doesn’t push him. As a social worker he knows not to. But he also does it as his friend.

“Okay, well you didn't hear this from me, but Natasha is planning a small surprise party for you tomorrow,” Sam states as he grabs his hat and sunglasses from the coffee table. 

“Well now I know not to trust you with secrets,” kids Steve as he walks him to the door. 

“Right.” Sam laughs and kindly pats Steve on the shoulder before walking out. With a soft shut of the door, Steve sighs. He’s got left over pizza in the fridge he’s been dying to eat since four. His plans for the eve of his birthday aren’t exciting, and he doesn’t want them to be. A date with his leftover pepperoni pizza and a list of movies is more than enough. But there’s an ache he can’t really mend. It’s been there since Bucky left him on the beach. 

“Really wish you were here, Buck.” He says to himself as he sits on his sofa and turns on the television to clear his mind. 

***

After the events at the Triskelion, Bucky quickly found a place to hide from both S.H.I.E.L.D. and HYDRA. An abandoned building just outside the nearest town seemed to fit best. He’s located perfectly; busy enough to hide in plain sight, but quiet enough to avoid any suspicion. 

He knows he’ll have to move soon enough, but for now he’ll just roam around, learning. A few weeks ago he managed to sneak into the Smithsonian for the third time. He tries not to give into the urges, but sometimes they win. The Captain America exhibit gave him a good base to get his memories back, so why not visit when he can?   
As of tonight, he’s trying to block out the fireworks blasting off in the residential area near the building. With the little money he stole of the streets, he managed to buy some fruit for dinner. He lies in the corner, eating and ignoring the loud noises emanating from the sky. He can’t quite put a finger on why they bother him so much, but he can guess that it’s some muscle memory from the war. 

But that’s not the cause of his headaches. Remembering that Steve’s birthday is tomorrow is something he hadn’t wished to remember so quickly. He can’t pinpoint all the emotions behind the name Steve yet, but there are some that rise up when he thinks of him. 

Nonetheless, it pains him that he can’t just walk up to Steve tomorrow and wish him a happy birthday. He places his hat over his face and lets the fireworks put him to sleep. 

***

Steve had to act surprised when Natasha, Sam, and Clint appeared at his front door with wrapped presents and a red, white, and blue cake. It’s nice to have some company, even if it's small company. But that means he has to put on a fake face for them, even if they are close friends.

“Stark said he’s sorry that he couldn’t make it,” says Natasha as she sets the cake down on the table. 

“He’s really breaking my heart,” mocks Steve, holding his chest. Sam snickers as he finds some matches to light the candles. Steve sets some drinks around the table, put pours a glass of water for himself. 

“I am surprised that you managed to drag Clint, though.” Steve elbows Clint and chuckles. Unamused by the Captain, Clint elbows him back. 

“Don’t feel too bad though, Stark managed to send me your present.” Natasha holds up a box wrapped in red, white, and blue paper. He sensing that everyone will mock his birthday this year again. He misses the mocking though. Bucky would do it all the time. 

 

After the three party-goers give Steve a rather zealous birthday song, they sit around the table and eat the cake the three of them apparently baked themselves. Steve gets the feeling that Sam ended up doing all the work while Natasha and Clint heavily supervised. 

“So, Steve, what was celebrating your birthday like back in the good ol’ days?” asks Natasha, ready to stuff her mouth with cake. 

Steve sighs, “Nat, I’ve told all my birthday stories.” 

“Well Wilson hasn’t heard any of ‘em,” argues Natasha with a wide grin on her face.   
Sam holds up his hands and swallows the bite of cake he has in his mouth, “Listen, if you don’t wanna tell any, you don’t have to.” 

“It’s nothing exciting,” Steve begins, “And it isn’t that much different than Nat leads on.” Natasha smirks from across the table. 

But of course it’s different. Bucky isn’t here. Bucky’s always been here. The first birthday out of the ice, Steve accepted that his friend wouldn’t be there. But now that there is a choice in the matter, it hurts that Bucky can’t make it. As Natasha makes a joke that Steve gives a half-assed smile to, the ache in his chest returns. 

“I say we open the presents.” suggests Clint, picking up his gift first. It’s a small box, but that doesn’t mean it gives the gift away. 

Without further guessing, Steve strategically opens up the wrapped box. The box itself is plain, not giving away the gift. But inside sits a nice coffee mug. Steve has to admit, he’s happy with the mug. 

“‘ _But first, coffee_ ’ thanks Barton,” says Steve, admiring the funny text. 

“Well you’re always bitching and complaining about not having a mug, so I figured I’d get you one.” shrugs Clint. 

“Barton, you’re the one always bitching and complaining that I don’t have a mug.” smiles Steve. 

“...whatever. Now you have one.” Clint hides a smirk that Steve is happy to notice. 

“Here, Rogers.” Natasha slides her gift from across the table with ease. It’s in a larger box, but it’s also super thin. Steve opens hers with the same strategic value that he had with Clint’s, but immediately regrets it. 

“A flag. Seriously?” He holds it up just before Natasha can snap a picture of his disapproving look. 

“I don’t see one hanging up on any of your walls here, so I thought I’d help you out.” She grins at her own joke. Steve shakes his head and sighs.

“I’m kidding, Rogers.” Natasha slides a small card, a gift card, to Steve. Despite past wishes on not spending so much on him, Natasha went above and beyond with a pricey gift card to his favorite art gallery. On the back of the card’s package a small note reads:   
_Get a nice piece of art for this drab place_

He looks up to start a playful disagreement with her, but she holds out her hand to stop him, “You’re welcome, Rogers.” 

He shuts his mouth and smirks. He’ll catch her aside later and tell her not to do it again. He’s not worth that much. 

“Here’s Stark's.” She passes another gift to him with ease. Stark’s gift has some weight to it, meaning it probably expensive. For some reason, it doesn’t bother Steve as much that Tony spent some more money. He spends it like he’ll die if he doesn’t, so it only surprises Steve when he opens the gift to find the Canadian flag. 

“Hilarious.” sighs Steve. Everyone lets out their blissful snickers at the obvious punchline Tony provided without his presence. Steve feels around the folded flag and starts to uncover something that smells like leather. 

Out falls Steve’s old leather jacket from the war. It’s stitched up nicely, and looks well preserved. Dumbfounded, Steve looks to his friends with a surprised glow on his face. He looks to see a small note that reads:  
 _Took some digging, but I found it. Happy Birthday, Cap_

One specific memory floods to his mind so quickly he feels dizzy. The last time he wore that jacket was when he saved Bucky in Azzano. Of course his mind doesn’t stop there with the depressive thinking; _Why didn’t you save him a second time?_

“Steve?” questions Sam, leaning forward to check on his friend. “You good?” 

“Yeah,” he lies, “I’m just shocked that Tony found this.” 

Sam and Natasha don’t buy it, but for the sake of his birthday, they let it slide. Sam pulls out his gift,

“You’re welcome in advance.” He says as Steve rips the box open to find a vinyl record. Steve lets out a small chuckle, not really understanding the significance of the record. Yes, he does have a record player to play the oldies, but he knows that he can put whatever else on his phone. 

“Took me forever to find a place to put some songs on that thing, but it all worked out. You’ll just have to listen to it to see what’s on there.” Sam kindly nudged Steve’s shoulder with a grin slapped on his face.

“Thanks so much you guys. This means a lot.” 

“Well, we’re all you got, Rogers.” kids Natasha as she takes a sip of her alcoholic beverage. 

“Cheers, to the Captain!” exclaims Clint, holding up his beer. They all happily cheer in unison, leaving a light pink tint on Steve’s cheeks. He misses this. Why he misses it, even though his friends are right there, he can’t really put his finger on it. 

Maybe it’s because Bucky isn’t there to celebrate with him. 

 

“Are you sure you don’t want to come see fireworks with us?” asks Sam as he grabs a piece of cake. Natasha and Clint left early to get a good spot at the park. 

“I can see them from here. Thanks, though.” replies Steve, hiding the fact that he does want to go, but isn’t mentally up for it. 

“Okay, man. See you tomorrow for a run?”

“Sure thing. You still have to beat your last mile.” teases Steve. Sam rolls his eyes and opens the front door. Before fully leaving, Sam squeezes a friendly hand on Steve’s shoulder. It’s a familiar feeling to Steve. Bucky would do it when he could tell Steve was down. 

“You know you don’t always have to be alone, right?” 

“Yeah, I know Sam. Thank you for today. I wasn’t alone.” He lies. He’s getting good at it. It looks like he even convinced Sam. He just has to convince himself. Sam leaves with a short goodbye and a laugh at a joke he made himself. Now, Steve can listen to the record by himself. 

His last birthday he didn’t get the opportunity to be alone and reflect on life. Tony insisted that he have a huge party to celebrate “Cap’s first birthday out of the ice”. 

He places the record on the player and let’s it spin away. He sits in the living room with a cold beer in his hands and just listens. Some old songs, like Billie Holiday and Ella Fitzgerald, play clearly and ring in his ears. But it wouldn’t be a Sam Wilson mix if there wasn’t some Marvin Gaye and Earth, Wind, and Fire in there too. 

The first loud boom of the fireworks shake him out of his trance. He lets the record player roll on as he walks to the small porch of his new apartment. He’s high enough to see the Washington Monument clear as day. He leans over the railing, holding his beer over the side. Colorful fireworks light up the monument from behind. Vera Lynn starts to play and the ache returns in Steve’s chest. He chugs the beer, wishing it would do something for his nerves. 

Nothing. 

“Wish you were here, Buck.” whispers Steve as he solemnly looks up at the sky, dreaming of better memories.

 

***

Since the fireworks wouldn’t quit, Bucky decided to storm up to the roof of the abandoned building and watch. Out in the distance stands the Washington Monument and all it’s glory. He snickers at the innocence of the people, unaware that they could all be wiped out in a heartbeat. 

But even he’s entranced by the beauty of the colors in the sky. He walks up to the edge of the roof and leans on the dirty ledge. The noise doesn’t bother him as much when he’s staring directly at the source of it. 

All day he’s been considering slipping a note under Steve’s apartment. He has at least ten of them written out, depending on the mood he wanted to give off. But he concluded that it wasn’t smart. He doesn’t want Steve looking for him. He doesn’t even know if he even wants to see Steve ever again. His is a dangerous path to live on, and he’d rather walk it alone. 

Despite all that, he still feels that ache in his chest. Knowing that he could just wish him a happy birthday and walk away makes it even harder for his conscience. He’ll probably regret it, since this could very well be the last time he’ll be able to say as much. 

People cheer and cheer, happily encouraging more fireworks. Bucky let’s out a tired sigh as a result. He looks up, closes his eyes, and gives a small smirk thinking of Steve.

“Happy birthday, Stevie.”

**Author's Note:**

> Why write a happy fourth of July fic when you can write an angsty one.


End file.
